Monday, December 03, 2007

Dare We Vet?

Last March, life as I thought I knew it came crashing down around me. I suffered a profound loss that was complicated by the circumstances surrounding it. With no prior point of reference, all I knew to do was to take off running emotionally, and to run as far and as fast as I possibly could in the direction of, rather than away from, the source of my heartache and sorrow.

For me, that meant doing something; something major that would "fix" it, or, at the very least, bind up the wounds that were gaping. Going on missions and being a crusader are not new to me. I've been mission and crusade bound most of my life, but this one was the ultimate. In this one I could not fail.

And so, I threw myself and everything and everyone around me into the effort. I believed with all my being that my motives and my goal were pure. I thought that would be beyond question, and although I believed there would certainly be obstacles that need be overcome simply because there are always obstacles and obstructions in any mission, I was - admittedly - totally surprised when I encountered opposition.

Opposition was not an expectation. Opposition threatened to flip me over on my side in a manner in which I might not have been able to get up. After all, I was severely wounded, at times it seemed mortally wounded, but, just when I needed it most there was this miraculous hand - one as strong and as committed as mine - that reached out and helped me right myself to carry on.

Not long ago I reached the place I believed I was running to, but I didn't get there whole like I thought I might, healed like I prayed I would be. There wasn't a celebration of my motives from the people I most needed it from, or a heralding of my foresight and dedication. Rather, scattered all around me, were shards of misunderstanding, suspicion, and resentment that no one could have ever prepared me to anticipate. For a moment, I thought it more than I could possibly ever bear.

But, something else kicked in. Resilience is a must have if you are born to missions and crusades, and when the mission is one that has its roots in the very intake and outlet of the breath you breath, you have to realize the goal is "in spite of whatever".

The place I reached wasn't the end as I thought, rather it was just the beginning. The quest is forever and, in fact and in truth, my motives and my goals are pure. I am committed to the spirit, the gift, the legacy, and the rightful place of someone I know deserves that commitment. I am thankful for whatever I gain in wisdom and understanding of the human spirit as a whole as I travel this road because I will count that knowledge as all joy from here - every single bit of it - and my own ability to love will grow deeper with each and every breath I now take.

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