Friday, March 20, 2009

Hawice

The last couple of months have been incredibly difficult. I definitely did not think I'd be revisiting such a painful path so quickly, but less than a month ago I lost my only sister. It is still impossible for me to come to grips with the reality of that, and for now not accepting that reality entirely provides just a very small cushion to get me through each day.

I think I decided to make this entry tonight because there have been a series of things - good thing, very positive things - that have occurred over the last week or so that are the types of things that I would have picked up the telephone to share with her. She would have been as excited or thrilled or hopeful about them as I, if not more so, just as I was with all her victories, adventures, and achievements.

There have been a few other things, flashes of frustration, shock at some newsworthy issue, or some stupidly funny circumstance that I could have only gotten the kind of satisfaction or closure I needed by sharing the incident with her that I obviously wasn't able to. The pain of that void defies all words in any earthly language. It was an emotional pain so great my whole body had to get involved to try to handle because my heart and mind simply couldn't absorb the whole assault.

But there is something else that is incredible. It is that as awesome as the pain of losing her is, the pain of having had her in my life, in my world, as my very own big sister is such a thrill that the knowledge and memory of that, of her is so utterly powerful it has had the ability to assuages the pain and return me to a place of endurance washed in thoughts of her.

So, yes, I'd love to tell her about the short play that was published in a literary journal today, or mention the Writer's Digest article that included a little spill from me on my poetry collection, YOU BECKON, or breathlessly tell her blow by blow about the new opportunities to produce my plays, but I can't. As time goes on acceptance of that will take hold, but not just yet. That's why tonight I needed to tell you about her and about this. Tonight missing her feels like fire.

3 comments:

MsJayy said...

Peggy,
Somehow I think she already knows and is smiling down on her "baby sister".

If it helps, you can ALWAYS tell me.

Love ya!
Your very biggest fan!

Celestyne said...

I weep everytime I read your work. I wish so deeply that I had known what was coming out of you when we were younger. Let's take that train ride together through the southeast and just talk.

Robert Dulin III said...

Wow Aunt Peggy,

I just did a Google search of my moms first name and this popped up. Very comforting to read those words. I miss her so much and like you said it's still almost unreal. I've had a few things that I would have called her about too in the last week or so and just not being able to hurts so much. As a family though we'll get through this like we get through all the other things we've had to endure over the last few years.

Love you, and together we'll all push through to the next victory or defeat as a family.